Target, How I Love Ya!

I haven’t done a “Three Dollar Thursday at Target” post yet, which is crazy because that’s like my favorite thing in the world! (Not really but it’s all I’ve got for right now and it DOES make me giddy).  “Three Dollar Thursday” is something I made up because I found that although I may go to Target several times a week (multiple stores on the same day sometimes), I’m most certainly there every other Thursday–money day!!! I noticed that a lot of things I bought were $3; and the challenge became to find things for $3 or less.  When I say $3, it can be $3.48 or something; and I’ll even go up to $4 and some change but I want to be at or under $3 to feel like I really got something good. 

I’ve never been a frugal or cheap person, I’ve always bought what I wanted; whether I should spend the money or not.  But living on my own, far away from my parents’ wallets for about five years taught me to spend my money more wisely.  I became a bargain hunter and the best place for bargains is TARGET!!! Their prices are already reasonable, but then they have the nerve to mark stuff down even further!! Those orange-red clearance stickers get my juices flowing and I’ve become an expert at guesstimating when a new item will go on clearance and for how much.  (Making sure it’ll still be available in my size is a whole other thing but usually I can track it down). If I see a new item I REALLY REALLY want and the price is right, I’ll get it. But what’s the fun in that?? I’d rather stalk the item until I see that clearance sticker then POUNCE! I feel like I’ve accomplished something when I do that. I feel thrifty and responsible and very much like a grown-up!

My friends and relatives with children hate me because they say they can never find the great bargains that I find. Well they must not be looking. Even though I admit to going to Target more than the average person, there is ALWAYS a great bargain to be found.  People with children should know this because Target practically gives away their children’s clothing and shoes.  I don’t have children, but I know this because I’m a good “auntie” and I always shop for my babies.  My 3 year old cousin has gotten 7 or 8 pairs of ($12-20) shoes SINCE Christmas that have not cost over $4 and change; including a pair of cowgirl boots and a pair of motorcycle boots (regularly priced $19.99 and $15.99 respectively). Her 9 year old sister got some fugazi Uggs and her first pair of “heels” that she’s been bugging everyone to death about. Last night’s haul included some long-sleeved plaid shirts for their 1 year old brother for $2,  really nice sweatpants for the 3 year old ($2.48), and some $4 rain boots for their 3 year old cousin. Score!

Children’s items are not the only things that I find for $3.  I’ve found several clothing items, household items, jewelry, etc for myself for $3 too.  I love pajamas and I was able to buy a bunch of pajama shorts for $2.48.  The matching tops? A mere $1.50! I’m junkfood/graphic tee junkie and I have drawers FULL of tees from Target that I got for $9 or less; many for $3.  I rack up on hair products like Garnier Fructis and Herbal Essence when they’re marked down; and I’m waiting for the day that I see a clearance sticker on my beloved SheaMoisture products!

Underwear has been my recent obsession, and Target doesn’t disappoint in that area either.  They’ve got the 5pr for $15 thing going, which to a normal person would mean “$3 a pair”, but that’s not enough of a challenge for me (although I have taken advantage of it). I like to look through the “intimate apparel” section to find those damned orange-red stickers! I don’t want to pay $3 as the regular price, I want it marked down! Just for me! And again, Target does not disappoint! I found some really cute panties on clearance for $2 and felt like God was smiling on me.  I can’t say that I’m going to quit Vicki any time soon, but a girl can never have too many pairs of panties. I learned that in college!

So last night’s haul was pretty good, even though not EVERYTHING was $3 and under–I paid $7.99 for some Curls Goddess Curl hair gel (which I might actually review later).  I still found some really good bargains. Hell I bought a family sized bag of Doritos because the jokers were marked down to $2. It’s outrageous what is being charged for a bag of friggin chips these days! I won’t pay the ransom on principle alone, so I get it cheap when I can.

I do the $3 hunts at other places too (like Old Navy), but there is NO PLACE like Target. Once I stop being lazy about taking and uploading pictures, I’ll actually post some of my finds in the future. Happy (bargain) hunting!

Posted in $3 Thursdays (at Target) | Leave a comment

How Kinky Do I Have To Be To Be “Down”?

I told my friend Stephanie a looong time ago that I’d never get into YouTube because I hate hearing people’s opinions about anything because a lot of people are just plain stupid. AOL BlackVoices discussion boards taught me that REAL QUICK!  Differences make the world go ’round and all of that, but I choose not to subject myself to something I know is going to irritate the hell out of me.  Stephanie was always telling me about different videos she watches regarding hair care and I just KNEW I wanted no parts of the bullshit. See, along with politics and religion, I do NOT discuss hair. Especially with black women. Nothing good can come from it.

I have little patience and a short fuse when it comes to ignorance.  Get angry if you want to, but any time you have more than two black women in a discussion about hair, something ignorant WILL be said.  I’ve heard the bullshit my entire life. Everything from “you got good hurr” to people asking me what I’m mixed with. Even people outright LYING and saying my daddy is a mexican and/or white to “explain” my hair texture.  Cuz all black girls HAVE to have nappy/thick/coarse hair, right?? Wrong! We come in all different shades and with all different hair textures too. That should never be questioned. I’ve had women (my own mother included, although I know she was just kidding–I think) tell me that I make them “sick” because of my hair. A former co-worker used to yank my hair every time she walked past my desk and go “ewww”. I’ve even had an x-ray technician leap across the room and TUG a handful of my hair because she INSISTED it was a weave  and that I remove it before I messed up her x-rays. Why is all that foolishness necessary? Am I not “exotical” enough to have curly hair?  Are ya mad?? What’s the problem boo?

So, I’m getting relaxers every 6-8weeks most of my damned life just like every other black woman I know. Then it slowed to maybe 3-4 times a year. Until I move to southern Florida with a higher cost of living and a smaller paycheck; a day job I had to leave for at an ungodly hour because the traffic was horrendous; and humidity like a MUTHA! What does this all mean? It means I stopped relaxing as much.  I found this fabulous dominican woman who could blow my hair out LIKE NO OTHER (shout out to Damarys in Hialeah) and cut back to relaxing maybe twice a year. I’d get blow-outs when I felt like schlepping to Hialeah, which wasn’t very often; so I was a “wash n go” girl.  I’d wet my hair and run conditioner thru it in the shower every morning and leave the house with wet hair. Easy, breezy lemon squeezy.  Everything was LOVELY except for people insisting I was dominican or cuban and some of the cuss-outs I endured because of the misunderstanding. Before I knew it (or knew what it was) I was “transitioning” because at one point I realized it had been almost a year since I’d had a relaxer. I thought to myself  “why not just let it go?”.

So I started researching online about natural hair and how to care for it. I “went natural” a couple times before (also by accident) and had all of the relaxer cut out. I didn’t want to cut my (mid-back length) hair & I didn’t like the bushy dry look I got before when my hair was growing out  so I figured I’d better learn what I was doing. There is SO MUCH information online about caring for natural hair, I was lost and overwhelmed.  I found a few sites that I finally stuck to because I liked the “atmosphere” (no Nappy Nazis) and product suggestions.  CurlyNikki turned out to be a good resource for me because her hair is more like mine than other naturals I was seeing (still avoiding YouTube); and she’s a product junkie who fed my own habit lol. So I committed to the natural thing. Bought all the products. Did all the maintenance to preserve my hair. Then a bad “trim” led to very short and very lopsided hair. After that, I found a natural hair stylist and told her to chop it off. She was hesitant and talked me into mini-chops.  Then January 15, 2010 after not relaxing for over a year, I chopped all of my hair off. It was way shorter than I wanted it  and what it needed to be but whatever, it’s just hair and it always grows back.

At least that’s what I was telling everybody who had an opinion on my hair. My co-workers’ faces wore shocked expressions when I returned to work. I came home to VA for a visit and the first thing Daddy said to me at the airport was “What the hell did you do to your hair, child?”. Thank God I have a thick skin and really don’t care so that stuff didn’t bother me. What annoys me is people making ignorant statements like “you only went natural because you have good hair. If you were nappy-headed you’d still be relaxing”. Or “If I had hair like yours, I could do that, but I don’t”.  Ironically, I get more shit from baldheaded heffas with fucked up hair than anyone else. Sometimes I feel like saying “Umm I CUT my hair boo, what’s wrong with that shit on your head? Mine is growing but yours is never coming back”.  During this time, I coined the phrase “bitches with combovers shouldn’t throw combs”.  That might be ugly, but they stay on my nerves! As I’m trying to pass on advice and suggestions (mind you this is only when I’m asked) to these dry head, no edges having heffas, they’re giving me screwfaces saying “Oh I don’t want my hair like yours”.  Like what? Healthy? I’m looking at them & I CAN SEE SCALP WHERE SCALP AINT SUPPOSED TO BE! Or I’m looking right through their “long” hair because it’s so thin and brittle. But that shit is LONG though and we all know long hurr don’t curr. The very thing they should have wanted to do was “get like me”, but I understand, everybody aint able.

So I’m enduring all this stuff and getting tired of it and tired of the “natural hair community” because of all the hypocrisy.  People want to tell other people what is and isn’t considered natural.  Some are constantly talking down about women who CHOOSE to relax THEIR hair and it all gets so negative.  I can rock with a FEW websites and YouTube channels, but I limit myself. One of the YouTube people that I check out sometimes is Taren916. She has a GORGEOUS head of hair.  I picked up a few things from her so I check back to see what new stuff she’s talking about.  The other day, she puts up a video titled “Being Natural Means… Black & Kinky Only?? Huh??” and I was like “here we go”.  Evidently, some folks have appointed themselves the committee on who is and who isn’t natural.  Because Taren is mixed (white grandmother, I believe), light-skinned, and has a looser curl pattern, The Committee has deemed she isn’t natural. Say what now? She doesn’t have a relaxer  or color  (because some people want to take it THAT far) but she’s not natural because her hair isn’t kinky enough and she isn’t black enough. How much black do we need in us? More than the “one drop”? And how do we test for kink? The number of teeth broken out of the comb? This is all so absurd and I felt Taren did a good job addressing the ridiculous notion that we can judge who is and isn’t natural based on “blackness” and “kink levels”.

I was waiting for the backlash and got it today in the form of a response video from a YouTuber named NaturallyLauriel who thinks that “natural” ONLY refers to black women, who did the Big Chop down to a teeny weeny afro, who also have kinky hair. Word? I’m black. I chopped down to about an inch. But I’m not natural because my hair isn’t kinky enough. For her. And I guess The Committee.  NaturallyLauriel seems to think that unless you have “struggled” in your natural hair journey: worn the short hair, been ridiculed for non-conformity, and had internal battles about relaxing to achieve hair like “others”, then you’re not worthy to call yourself natural.  First of all, I never had any of those internal battles about a damned relaxer.  I got them because my mother put them in my hair and everyone around me got them. I never gave it a thought. I never wanted to be white and never thought I’d look white or better because of a relaxer. It wasn’t that serious for me and for a lot of other people. It’s none of anybody’s business what motivates a person or what struggles they’ve been through. I grew up with a caucasian girl who had hair thicker and coarser than mine. They called her Busch Gardens. Today, she is still natural and (from what I see) manages her thick curls quite nicely. I’d call her a natural just like I’d call myself and Taren916 natural. I’d call anyone natural who has not chemically altered their hair from it’s original state/texture. I do agree that NaturallyLauriel, like anyone else, has a right to voice her opinion, but nobody has a right to tell another person who and what they are and define their “struggle” for them. It’s presumptuous and preposterous.

NaturallyLauriel also seems to think that people with a looser curl pattern don’t struggle enough because our hair is easier to take care of.  Ha! Come deal with this stuff for a few days and then we can talk about THAT! Just because I don’t have to detangle and all of that jazz doesn’t mean my hair isn’t difficult to manage. It’s a beast! And some days I LOOK like a beast! Don’t get it twisted, I love my hair and wouldn’t change it, but I admit that I used to want my sister’s coarser hair when we were younger.  She could get all the popular styles like asymmetrical bobs and stacks.  Mine would fall as I was leaving the salon. But now, I have accepted what I have and I make it do what it do.

That’s what I suggest everyone else does.  Accept what YOU have. Do what YOU do. Mind your own damned business and let other people tend to theirs!! It’s HAIR! Nobody is going to lose a limb or their life over some HAIR!

(Edited to Add) And another thing… I recently made an appointment at a natural hair salon where I live because I needed a trim and wanting some styling tips. The stylist was really nice but she immediately started with the “nice hair” stuff and asking me what I’m mixed with. *sigh* here we go…After shampooing my hair, she sat me in her chair and just kept running her fingers through my hair and finally said “I can’t do anything with this”. She explained that twists would come out; so I said let’s do a twist-out then. She said no because it would just look like it normally looks. I asked her to trim it so she blew it out and then said no because it didn’t need to be trimmed even though scissors hadn’t touched my hair in over 6months. So I finally told her to just do ANYTHING. Her only suggestion was a french roll.  I asked her what she was going to roll (because my hair isn’t long enough) and would she then roll me back to 1992 when french rolls were in style. She proceeded to get on the phone and call someone and tell me “You need to go down the street. See if they can do something with it. Even though you don’t have a relaxer, your hair feels and acts like it’s relaxed so I can’t do it”. Say what?? She told me the other stylist would meet me down the street at her salon and then had the audacity to ask me to stop back in so she could see my hair when it was done.  Waaaaaaait fooor it… Waaaaaait foooor it…  I think she’s still waiting. (the Katt Williams reference was on point because I left her shop looking like Katt after he has sweated out his perm!)

And now (because I want to and it’s my blog), a pictorial of my hair journey from relaxed to NATURAL:


Posted in On My Nerves | 6 Comments

Toilet Paper Is Not An Investment, Boo

As much as some of us hate to part with our money, we HAVE to realize and accept that some things are bought to be used up and thrown away! You can reduce, reuse, recycle some things.  You can save certain things only to be used on special occasions. You can even ration out things to make them last longer. But toilet paper? WE THROW THAT SHIT AWAY! (literally)

I know this woman and for anonymity and so I don’t have to hear her damned mouth, I will call her Omma-may. I’ve known her all of my life and we even have a few things in common. One thing we cannot seem to agree on is: proper toilet paper usage. It seems that Omma-may believes that toilet paper is an investment.  She expects to get MORE out of it than what she has put in.  In essence, she thinks it’s supposed to last FOREVER! Toilet paper used, as it was intended to be used, is like money going down the drain to her. My thinking is that a person buys toilet paper knowing it’s not going to last. That it’s literally going to be used and flushed away; and that we shouldn’t give it a second thought. I mean really.  The sole purpose of toilet paper is to wipe shit. How much value can be placed in that?

According to Omma-may, A LOT!  So much so, that she has started to hoard toilet paper.  But just the good kind.  The one-ply bullshit that I think someone stole from their job or some crackhead stole out of public restrooms for her is OK to use. But that good shit from Costco?  You’d better NOT touch it, let alone introduce it to your common, unworthy ass.  There WILL be hell to pay! And even with the cheap stuff, you’d better not use the bathroom “too often”.  Omma-may is not a believer in “gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now”.  She thinks you can hold it and save it up for a big piss every few hours; scheduled several hours apart. If you’re in there too often, she has to investigate. Nobody wants that.

This is NOT a cheap or miserly woman I am talking about here.  In fact, she’s a spendaholic. She can shop til she drops and buys more nonsense than anyone; myself included.  It’s just that she’s cheap about certain things.  If she buys a 5lb bag of sugar in January, she expects that same damn bag of sugar to be plenty full come the following January. If not, it perplexes her to the point where she will ask (with a straight face) “What are yall doing? EATING IT???”. Cuz you don’t buy no damn sugar to EAT it! You buy it so that it’s THERE! Just in case you need it! And this “logic” makes perfect sense to her. 

Omma-may swears expiration dates are a hoax and a conspiracy to get you to buy more shit; which she will, but she’s going to keep the expired stuff too.  I pray for her clueless husband and thank God her children are grown and able to read labels, because she could very well kill someone one day.  If something isn’t moldy and doesn’t smell like raw sewage, it’s still good, in her mind. Even if it has changed from its original color. And I take back what I said about mold because if cheese is moldy, you just cut that part off. What? The rest of it is still good dammit!

Omma-may, like many Americans is penny rich and dollar foolish.  Buying in bulk from Costco and the like. Or “stocking up” on things that won’t be used (and certainly not before the expiration date) just because it’s on sale.  I find myself doing the same things sometimes, but I have learned that I have to part with things that are no longer useful or any good.  At times, it is difficult but when I watch shows like “Hoarders”, I know that I value my sanity and health more than some junk. I love to shop and I love my “stuff”, but I also know that things have to be put into proper perspective.  I hate to see the bottom of a jar of hair conditioner, or to pump a lotion bottle and have nothing come out. Running out of things is frustrating, but I’ve learned that I can have 2-3 back-ups instead of 10.  I don’t need to have 100 rolls of toilet paper on hand (which was a “rule” I had when I bought my house). I believe in buying spices, everyday toiletries, and things like that in bulk, but not everything.  I won’t even tell you how much butter, “you sho’ this aint butter”, and butter substitutes Omma-may has in her fridge and freezer. Paula Deen would be proud; and dead of clogged arteries. (or expired butter)

Omma-may is older and set in her ways. There’s no changing her. Even as she goes through “The Change”, it only gets worse.  I’m just mindful of my own behavior and keeping myself in check so that one day I won’t be splitting 2-ply down to 1-ply, cutting paper towels in half, or re-washing plastic (disposable) plates.  It might be hereditary (not that I’m related to this woman) because  Omma-may inherited her ways from her mother, Anny-Gray.  Anny-Gray would save EVERYTHING!  She loved nice things but she would “save” them for a special occasion–that would never come.  Even if it was a disposable item, she’d “save” it.  She could never tell us for who or for what though.  Maybe Omma-may is saving the “good” toilet paper in case President Obama comes by.  Maybe she thinks it’s like duct tape and would be good in an emergency.  Whatever it is, I’m not about to wipe my ass with any damn cardboard whilst there’s nice fluffy paper to be had!  We could die tomorrow and I don’t want to be worried about the coroner wondering why my hindparts are red. I don’t want my last thought to be “I should have used nicer paper”.  Who the hell wants to die with regrets?  It’s just not worth it to me. Just like “they” say you can’t take your money with you when you’re gone, I’m pretty sure you can’t take your toilet paper either!! Mr. Whipple BEEN dead! And we are still squeezing the hell out of his Charmin without a thought or a care. Life does indeed go on; enjoy the good stuff while you can!

Posted in Random Rants | 2 Comments

Question Marks Are Kryptonite For The Average Man

Has anyone else noticed that when conversing with men, they tend to clam up if you ask them a question? I’m not talking about interrogation or personal questions. I’m talking about asking a simple question.  If you’ve never paid attention, try it. Don’t even ask him any of type of relationship question like “where do you see this going?” or anything like that because you might not ever hear from his ass again. I’m talking just a regular, benign question about him or his thoughts. If you’re on the phone, the conversation is going to end abruptly. If you’re texting or e-mailing, don’t wait for the damn **ding** to let you know you’ve got an incoming message, because it aint coming! Not til he thinks you’ve forgotten the question or moved on.

I’m the type of person who likes clarity. I don’t like to work on assumptions because we all know what happens with that foolery. So I admit that I might ask more questions than a person is used to. Being a psychology major and being fascinated with how people’s minds work doesn’t help. I do try to control myself; especially with men because I know they lose  a little of their strength every time a question is posed to them. But COME ON! Asking a person “what do you mean?” is grounds for confusion and all manner of fool acting?

I am in the “getting to know you” stage with this guy that I’m kinda liking. This stage is proving to be VERY annoying because he acts like his testicles shrink a little every time I ask him a question. It doesn’t help that we are very different or that he’s country as a smoked ham, so I have trouble following his conversation sometimes. His colorful colloquialisms are as confusing as they are amusing; so dammit, I sometimes ask for clarification! He does the same thing to me and I don’t hesitate to clarify and explain. It’s all about CLARITY! He doesn’t seem to be able to show me that same common courtesy though.

Sometimes when talking to men, I get the feeling that they are saying shit just to be saying it.  Whether they are saying things they think I want to hear or just think it sounds good at the time; they enjoy talking out of their asses. I’ve got a problem with that and you’d best believe I’m going to ask “well what do u mean by that?”. **crickets** And a man being a man, instead of  just copping to the fact that he’s busted, he’d rather answer a question with a question: “why do I have to explain everything?”. This is what Lil Country asked me yesterday when he made an (incorrect) assumption about me and I asked him why he thought that. I wanted to say: CUZ YOU DON’T MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE!!!! But I told him a different truth: that he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do; and he doesn’t. That doesn’t mean that I have to put up with it though. It also means I don’t have to answer his questions (which far outnumber mine, by the way) but I do. If I don’t, the muthasucka has the audacity to bring it back up later or just won’t move on until I’ve answered him to his satisfaction. Aint that a bitch?

Maybe if they could just be real and speak from the heart without trying to anticipate what we want them to say or trying to gauge what our reaction will be, questions wouldn’t stump them in this way. Like Judge Judy says: when you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything! And her other gem: If you don’t know, just say you don’t know. Be clear that I’m NOT calling men liars, I’m just saying they tend to have issues with communication and self-expression that can greatly hinder the progression of a relationship.

Maybe I’m wrong for expecting things to be clear or for even noticing the great lengths men go to trying to evade a question or stall for enough time to answer it “correctly”.  Hell I should be like most of these broads out here and just be glad someone with a penis is talking to me at all! Not! I wholeheartedly believe that communication is KEY! Lack of communication is how women end up pregnant by some guy and all they know is his street name (true story).  Lack of communication is how women end up thinking some dude is their boyfriend when in his mind, they’re just co-workers. Lack of communication also leads women to thinking they are “wifey” when they’re really just a fuck buddy. If the delusional “wifey” took the time to ASK why all “dates” occur inside of her bedroom, she’d KNOW she’s a jump-off and not his girl. Well, that’s if he’d tell her to truth and if she would even accept the truth he tells her–but that’s another rant for another day.

So here I sit, thinking this shit is NOT going to work because Lil Country is just going to get weaker and weaker the more questions I ask him and I have no intentions of stopping. I don’t even get the idea that he’s being evasive because he’s very upfront and honest about things. We’ve discussed a lot of personal things and as long as I’m not asking, he’s very forthcoming with personal information. I asked him how can we get to know each other and know we are on the same page if we don’t ask for clarification when needed. WHOOPS! That was a damn question and also the end of our conversation. The way I feel right now, he can kiss my ass. I’m tired of dealing with it and at this stage of things, it’s not worth it to me. He’s a nice enough guy but I’d rather cut my losses now than to be stuck really liking him, but not knowing him at all. I’m too old to go through the motions. I don’t understand why women cheat themselves by not even trying to understand the man they’re interested in BEFORE they’re in too deep. After the babies come and/or they’re married, it’s too late! Then they’re a single mom, divorced, or married for 30 years without a damn thing to talk about because they didn’t figure out that they had nothing in common and didn’t have the same goals and expectations in the beginning. It can’t be me!

So! Unless Lil Country comes around, it’s on to the next one.  Maybe the next one will understand and respect communication as the greatest tool EVER and won’t mind questions and clarity.  Yeah right.

OK I had to do this because it’s going to be on my mind!

Posted in Venus and Mars | 4 Comments

Mary Harvey Says Steve Can Suck It, Too!

Not really, but she is going IN on his trifling ass all up and THROUGH YouTube!! OKAY!

Mary is FINALLY spilling ALL THE TEA! Honestly, this is nothing I hadn’t already assumed/guessed, but I wanted to hear it from HER! He’s always making snide comments about her on his morning show, like she did HIM wrong. I guess after all the crap she took during the marriage, it was her turn to show her ass during and after the divorce proceedings (which I don’t condone either). Of course the details she shares are nothing that any of us could have imagined: stealing gas to get to comedy gigs, an alleged abortion by his mistress, getting calls from his sideline gal (who is his current wife) and so on. I wanted to hear about that damn toupee though!

In her YouTube videos, Mary alleges all types of scandalous behavior from black America’s newest relationship guru. Which is some bullshit in and of itself. Women are taking relationship advice from Steve Harvey?? REALLY??? How many times has he been married? What credentials does he have in this area? Cuz he can tell a joke? Some women will listen to and try ANYTHING they think is going to get them a man! OK. Keep listening to Steve ladies and see what happens. Evidently, Mary got her skrenf from a book called Why Do I Have To Think Like A Man by Shenae Hall (former NFL wife, oh lawd!). Evidently, Shenae isn’t buying the bullshit Steve is selling in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitmentary either; but she’s not above riding the coattails to make a few bucks. .

Do not get me wrong, I was a huge Steve Harvey fan. Ever since his Def Comedy Jam days when HE WORE JEANS! Cross Colours or some other hideous 90s bullshit; but now he denies he has ever even owned a pair of jeans. (This is unimportant, but is just one more thing that proves to me what a phony bologna he is.) Remember that joke about Mitch Green’s eye? He was a country mess, but it was funny as hell. Nobody can deny the sheer genius of “Kings of Comedy” and Steve’s other solo comedy specials. He’s a funny dude. I’ve supported every one of his ventures (except those damn clown suits) and LOVED his morning radio show—in the beginning. Along the way, Steve changed. He became more “preachy” and less funny. There’s nothing wrong with having a message in your comedy, but he was preaching his own opinion! That aint the gospel! Everybody has an opinion, Mr. Harvey, and having some money and a big moustache doesn’t make yours any more “right” than anyone else’s.

The morning show became less entertaining and pretty soon I only tuned in for the Strawberry Letter. Everyone on the show coos about how much happier Steve is now that he’s married to Marjorie, but it doesn’t seem genuine to me. Maybe he IS happier; and everyone has a right to be happy. My thing is, you go about things the RIGHT WAY! If  a person isn’t happy in their relationship, then they should tend to that and make sure it has ended before moving on to the next one. Otherwise, you’re just a liar, cheater, and asshole. I don’t care how horrible a person’s mate is or how miserable a relationship is; they either need to fix it or get out of it. Then spend some time ALONE getting right before you move on to the next one. (DO YA HEAR THAT SWIZZ BEATS???)

Steve Harvey has every right to move on and be happy and successful. His guest appearances on Dr. Phil have given him much mainstream success, and now he’s hosting Family Feud. To which I say, congratulations. I just can’t fuck with him any more. Not since all this fake shit has come about. He made that big deal about shaving his head when he knew damn well he was wearing a wig hat all those years (aint nobody’s edge-up that sharp. Afro rounded just so!). He promoted his partner Boom’s “relationship” book, If You Want Closure In Your Relationships, Start With Your Legs: A Guide To Understanding Men, and then this mofo came on the morning show and admitted he can’t even READ! So how did he write a book? Chile please. I cannot take anything that comes out of that camp seriously after all the lies and bullshit.

(And another thing, why do WE have to understand men and think like men and all that nonsense to have a successful relationship? Steve AND Boom can both suck it!)

Anyhoo, here are the videos. The cheesy music made me giggle like hell. As well as her collage of memorabilia, including a disconnect notice from the water company. AND the letter from the mistress alleging a long-term affair including an abortion and documenting Steve’s arrogance.  Watch now before Steve shuts her ass DOWN! LOL

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And Another Thing…

Some black person just reminded me of something else. Black people are too cool for EVERYTHING! We don’t participate in anything because all of it is beneath us and soooo last year. We won’t go to a club unless it’s packed. We won’t go to a party unless we know who will be there and that they are “cooler” than we are. We make shit popular and then totally abandon it: anybody bought any good FUBU lately?

Did black people stop to think that EVERYBODY can’t stay home being cool and feeling superior because then we would never have clubs or events to go to? We don’t support shit, therefore we don’t have shit! Or we will support it for a while, as long as the cool ones do, and then move on to the next cool thing. Again with the fickle shit.

Black people are UNFORGIVING of mistakes, unless you’re a child molester or some other type of criminal–then you get a pass. If you ever do anything deemed uncool or wack, your ass is grass with black people. But if you piss on children or develop a nasty crack habit, you’re good money as long as your  next CD is hot or you’ve got a wicked jump shot.

So in summary (because I’m closing the door on this black people shit, but because I’m black I can change my mind at any given time and dare anyone to call me on going back on my word): be good, but don’t be great because then you must have sold your soul to the devil. Get money, but not too much because then black people will take it from you. Don’t ever be the slightest bit uncool, because black people will shun you and it will never be forgiven. Don’t ever go somewhere that’s not the “it” spot or be seen with people who aren’t the “it” people or you could be wack by association and therefore, never acceptable to black people.

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Black People Make Me Sick Part Deux

And another thing… Don’t u just love how people go on a rant, leave it alone, let everybody calm down, then come back with “and another thing”. Well that’s me. Cuz I stew. And there are a lot of things black people do to make me sick. So, I’m back for part deux. This time focusing on how black people respond to any black person who isn’t down with the black people program.

Have you ever noticed how black people LOVE to count other folks’ money? They’re always declaring that someone paid too much for something and asking “is it made out of gold?”. Just because your broke ass can’t afford something doesn’t mean that it cost too much. EVERYBODY AINT ABLE! I have experienced it first hand from friends and relatives declaring that I spend too much money or telling me what I do and don’t need. That would be fine, if I gave a damn what they think or if I asked THEM to foot the bill for my splurges. But I don’t, so kiss off.

I thought it was just me until I started reading a popular gossip site, Lipstick Alley, and noticed how people would go APE SHIT and plot against folks they perceived as having “too much”.  There are forums on the site where people post their recent fashion purchases, and I guess some folks can’t see beyond Forever 21 and Marshall’s because they were ANGRY about other members posting Louboutins, Marc Jacobs, Chanel, etc. I won’t even say angry, those bitches were MAD! So much entertaining (and totally uncalled for) bullshit went down behind folks signifying & showing their asses in response to what someone else spent their own money on. What kinda mess is that? People were “outted”, as in personal information being revealed including pictures of their children. Some ladies were accused of boosting the items they posted or of posting their empoloyers’ clothes and shoes. And there were many accusations of sleeping with men to get those high end goods.

Then of course, the goody-goodies had to roll in with their comments about how that money could have been better spent, or invested. “I hope you own your home and aren’t renting with all the money you spend on clothes”.  They were accusing people of living in hovels and not paying their bills so that they could floss. Certainly THEY would never spend money on material goods when there are mutual funds  and stocks to be purchased because that’s just what responsible negroes DO with their discretionary income. Otherwise, MLK died for nothing.

It burns my BUTT that people behave this way. I don’t give a damn what someone else does with their money as long as they don’t ask me for any. I think it’s ignorant to believe that grown black women couldn’t POSSIBLY afford luxury items without giving blow jobs or sacrificing their electric bills for it. Where is the sisterhood in THAT thinking? I don’t condone living beyond one’s means, but again, it’s none of my business what someone else does with their money.

Recently, it was “reported” that Jay-Z spent $350k in Hermes on Christmas eve shopping for his wife. Why in the HELL would he want to (allegedly) go and some ignant shit like that? Clearly he had to know black America would NOT approve!! Lawd have mercy, the saints over on Essence magazine’s Facebook page went BALLISTIC! They thought it was an outrage that this man spent HIS money on HIS wife in a way that HE saw fit and could well afford! They went on and on about how he could have fed all of these poor starving children, or bought houses for the homeless. Anybody who knows anything about Jay-Z knows that he gives A LOT back to the community. He doesn’t have to, but he does. Who is to say how MUCH he ought to give though? It’s his money. He worked for it. He should be able to live a certain lifestyle based on his hard work and income.  Nope! Not according to black people; well broke black people. Broke black people think that when other black people get rich, they should give ALL of their money away to… broke black people. Black people think that Jay-Z should earn MILLIONS every year and give most of it away. Keeping just enough to live in a $150k matchbox in Jersey, driving a Camry and buying his wife off the rack shit at Macy’s. Cuz that’s how THEY roll, so that’s the only acceptable way of life for other black people. NEGRO PLEASE!

I challenged those same people to give away every dollar of their discretionary income. After their basic bills are paid: housing, food, utilities, they should give the rest of their paycheck away. So no clothes (unless they go to the Goodwill), no entertainment (they can go to the library for free books and movies), no luxuries or comforts they’ve been able to afford on their salaries. Cuz that’s what Jay-Z did. He bought his wife gifts based on their income level. But black people were mad because their husbands bought them some lousy $50 or $100 gift that they were tickled about until they heard what Beyonce got.

Some people cannot comprehend wealth, let alone achieve it. So if they can’t dream of that type of life, then nobody should be living it. Crabs in a damn barrel! I can’t imagine being able to spend $350k on some handbags, BUT I don’t begrudge the millionaire his spoils either. Even knowing that in all likelihood, I will NEVER be able to afford such luxuries, I still aint mad. I’m going to need for other black people to hop on that bandwagon with me because we are looking real petty and envious when we count other people’s money.

Don’t let me get started on how black people can’t stand Oprah and her gazillions! I believe a committee of broke black people has been formed to come up with ways that O should spend her damn money–all on broke black people. As if she didn’t have enough problems with black people, now her fool ass had the NERVE to befriend Jay-Z with his wasteful ways and unacceptable spending habits. Black people are REALLY going to go in on her now! Watch out Oprah! They were already pissed because she doesn’t support black people enough;  because any billionaire black fool should know that she should only have black people on her show, only pick black authors’ books for her book club, only wear black designers’ clothing, etc.

Oprah f’d up when she let herself get too famous and TOO RICH! If there’s one thing black people can’t stand is somebody with too much shine and too much money. As soon as they think you’ve had enough, you’re supposed to fall back. If not, it’s time to take you down a peg or two. So the shenanigans start. For Oprah, it’s the gay rumors. According to black people, two black women can’t possibly have a life-long friendship where they publicly love and support each other. In order to avoid the wrath of black people, Gayle should have written a scandalous tell-all book about Oprah a good 10yrs ago. She would have lost her best friend, but she would be “normal” (and still heterosexual) in the eyes of black people. And frankly, that’s all that should matter to any self-respecting black person.

If black people don’t deem you to be gay, then you’re evil and don’t believe in Jesus. How else would some regular ol’ black person get to be rich AND famous if they didn’t sell their soul to the devil? According to black people, this is what both Jay-Z and Diddy have done. I’m so sick of these “illuminati” rumors and the utter bullshit people spew to defend that dumb argument. Any black person should know that black people don’t mess with no devil shit! Read your manual! WE LOVE JESUS! But it’s like black people can’t just believe in and support other black people. They can’t accept that others “make it” due to hard work and talent whilst their black asses are sittin on their mama’s couch watching it all happen. To accept this, would mean that they are the captains of their own fate and could actually BE something in life if they actually DO something with their life. Nah! That sounds too much like work (and we all know how black people feel about work;slavery created quite an aversion to that bullshit!). So, black people who do get rich and famous have to be dancing with the devil. And being the good christian folks that all black people are, they would NEVER do such a thing. So they will sacrifice fame and fortune to sit on their mama’s couch cloaked in the satisfaction of knowing they didn’t get down with Satan just to make a buck. Good job couch sitting black people, good job.

My final point for today is also going to involve Jay-Z, cuz black people just seem to hate his black ass! Why is it that Jon Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen, Steve Tyler, Bette Midler, Cher and all of those white people are still touring and bringing in BIG money and BIG numbers at their concerts but Jay-Z (at 41) is “too old to rap”?? Black people are so fickle! We want “our” music to be a prominent force in this country but when too many “other” people start to like a certain artist, they’re a sell out or they’re wack. We also want our artists to stay the same. They can’t experiment, develop and grow as artists. Their third album BETTER sound just like the first one or they are OUT! And when an artist makes it well passed his third album and only gets better with time (like Jay-Z) we can’t find shit wrong with him except to say he’s too old. What kinda mess is that? Black people can’t be legends? I believe that Jay-Z, LL Cool J, Nas, and a few other rappers have aged gracefully in the game. Their styles and subject matter have matured as they have, so that their music is not only approriate for who they are, but also relevant in the industry. If Jay-Z was still on “Big Pimpin” as a grown ass married man, then he might look a lil silly; but he’s grown from that. His music has matured and he seems to be a more mature, well-rounded individual in general. But according to black people, it’s time for him to be put out to pasture while his white counterparts continue to make money well into their AARP years. Yet, 50yr old corner boys with cornrows and sagging jeans aren’t frowned upon. Go figure. Perhaps Jay-Z should have stayed in the crack game.

I think that concludes today’s talk about how and why black people make me sick. I’m sure there are many many other ways, but once again–I’m tired of talking about this stupid shit. I reserve the right to pick up on this topic in the future though, as black people stay busy. It’s like they stay up at night thinking up new ways to piss me off.

Posted in This Is Why They Call Me Crazie | 3 Comments