Gotta love Twitter!! Aside from the endless, shameless self-promoting and utter foolishness that goes on, there’s treasure to be found. Lots of good information and great debates that require one to “be clever” in 140 characters or less. Yesterday, the conversation/debate among a few people I follow was about love. The most amazing and confusing necessity of life. We need air, water, and food–and we understand why. We need love but that’s a mind-boggling concept; and I challenge anyone to try to create a true definition of love.
Once again, @berealblack4me was going in and got me thinking; and blogging. I don’t remember the exact conversation, but a back and forth between @berealblack4me and a follower (about the definition of hate) caused me to jump in with: there are only two true emotions–love and fear. I read that somewhere a long time ago and have firmly believed it ever since; and it has proven to be true. Every emotion that we experience as human beings stems from either love or fear. They were discussing hate; and hate comes from fear. I don’t believe it is the opposite of love; nor do I believe that love turns to hate. If a person so-called hates their boss–it stems from some sort of fear. Either of losing their job or of losing control/power. When people proclaim to hate someone they once loved, the hate doesn’t come from having loved them, it comes from the fear they had of losing them, fear of their emotions and of losing power/control. Possibly even fear of future love. Hate is pretty much a waste and is ego-driven, in my opinion.
When we are jealous, that’s fear. Jealousy in a relationship is fear of losing the person we love. Jealousy of someone else’s material possessions is fear of being inferior or never achieving those same things. Sadness stems from fear. Happiness from love. And so on. People who love themselves are open to experience love and usually live great lives. Love of self fosters trust (in self) so they are not afraid to take risks and attempt to do great things. Even if they fail, the confidence they have from loving themselves will set them on their feet and on to the next big thing. A person without love of self lives in fear of everything. All of the negative things that happen to them stem from that fear that emerges in the absence of love. Self-love develops at an early age and is fostered by our environment more so than genetics; although I believe that even coming from bad beginnings, some people are just going to be happy and loving no matter what. Like any other love, self-love is fluid and ever-changing and can grow stronger or be destroyed over time. Perpetuating the stereotype of Psych majors, I take it all back to childhood.
My two pals were back at it early this morning (I was still up because I never got to sleep last night) and one brought up the fact that our first emotional bond is with our moms. That got me thinking, yet again. I’m currently taking two Psychology courses and of course we have discussed Freud and Psychoanalytical Psychology. The first developmental stage in Freud’s theory is “trust vs. mistrust”. Basically, as infants our primary caregiver teaches us to trust or to mistrust based on their attention to our basic needs. We need someone to do everything for us in infancy. All of our physical needs are met by someone else. When they fall short and/or are neglectful, we learn to mistrust. If the people we depend on the most leave us to cry and be hungry, wet, cold or uncomfortable, that’s not setting a good tone for future relationships.
I’ve seen this time and time again with children and their parents–especially mothers. We all know that clingy baby who won’t let their mother go and screams their head off any time their mother is away from them. I see the mothers pretend to be annoyed but secretly love it thinking that their child is so in love with them and that they’re the center of that kid’s universe. They’re partially right. They are the center of their child’s universe and their child loves them, but the clingy behavior doesn’t come from the love. It comes from mistrust (fear). Not to say that these mothers are neglectful, but somewhere along the line, that child has learned to be mistrustful. Maybe the mom sneaks out when leaving the child with a sitter; pretending to go into another room or promising to be “right back”. That little (necessary) deception creates mistrust in a child. So they are going to watch their mother like a hawk and be clingy.
I see it with children in my family. Any time one of my cousins comes to my house with her mother, she won’t leave her side. That’s because her mom has dropped her off with us before; saying and doing anything she can to be able to get out of the house without a scene. Not that she’s a bad or neglectful mother, but when she’s trying to get to work on time, the last thing she needs is to spend 45min holding a crying baby. If I go pick the child up and bring her home, she’s OK; but there’s something about her mother leaving her that causes anxiety and stress. Even so, I’d say that this child has successfully navigated the “trust vs mistrust” stage because she knows her needs are going to be met and she trusts people. She just has a bit of separation anxiety. The fact that she’s batshit crazy is another post for another day lol. I love my baby; although I experience great FEAR when her mom’s number is on my caller id lol.