Toilet Paper Is Not An Investment, Boo

As much as some of us hate to part with our money, we HAVE to realize and accept that some things are bought to be used up and thrown away! You can reduce, reuse, recycle some things.  You can save certain things only to be used on special occasions. You can even ration out things to make them last longer. But toilet paper? WE THROW THAT SHIT AWAY! (literally)

I know this woman and for anonymity and so I don’t have to hear her damned mouth, I will call her Omma-may. I’ve known her all of my life and we even have a few things in common. One thing we cannot seem to agree on is: proper toilet paper usage. It seems that Omma-may believes that toilet paper is an investment.  She expects to get MORE out of it than what she has put in.  In essence, she thinks it’s supposed to last FOREVER! Toilet paper used, as it was intended to be used, is like money going down the drain to her. My thinking is that a person buys toilet paper knowing it’s not going to last. That it’s literally going to be used and flushed away; and that we shouldn’t give it a second thought. I mean really.  The sole purpose of toilet paper is to wipe shit. How much value can be placed in that?

According to Omma-may, A LOT!  So much so, that she has started to hoard toilet paper.  But just the good kind.  The one-ply bullshit that I think someone stole from their job or some crackhead stole out of public restrooms for her is OK to use. But that good shit from Costco?  You’d better NOT touch it, let alone introduce it to your common, unworthy ass.  There WILL be hell to pay! And even with the cheap stuff, you’d better not use the bathroom “too often”.  Omma-may is not a believer in “gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now”.  She thinks you can hold it and save it up for a big piss every few hours; scheduled several hours apart. If you’re in there too often, she has to investigate. Nobody wants that.

This is NOT a cheap or miserly woman I am talking about here.  In fact, she’s a spendaholic. She can shop til she drops and buys more nonsense than anyone; myself included.  It’s just that she’s cheap about certain things.  If she buys a 5lb bag of sugar in January, she expects that same damn bag of sugar to be plenty full come the following January. If not, it perplexes her to the point where she will ask (with a straight face) “What are yall doing? EATING IT???”. Cuz you don’t buy no damn sugar to EAT it! You buy it so that it’s THERE! Just in case you need it! And this “logic” makes perfect sense to her. 

Omma-may swears expiration dates are a hoax and a conspiracy to get you to buy more shit; which she will, but she’s going to keep the expired stuff too.  I pray for her clueless husband and thank God her children are grown and able to read labels, because she could very well kill someone one day.  If something isn’t moldy and doesn’t smell like raw sewage, it’s still good, in her mind. Even if it has changed from its original color. And I take back what I said about mold because if cheese is moldy, you just cut that part off. What? The rest of it is still good dammit!

Omma-may, like many Americans is penny rich and dollar foolish.  Buying in bulk from Costco and the like. Or “stocking up” on things that won’t be used (and certainly not before the expiration date) just because it’s on sale.  I find myself doing the same things sometimes, but I have learned that I have to part with things that are no longer useful or any good.  At times, it is difficult but when I watch shows like “Hoarders”, I know that I value my sanity and health more than some junk. I love to shop and I love my “stuff”, but I also know that things have to be put into proper perspective.  I hate to see the bottom of a jar of hair conditioner, or to pump a lotion bottle and have nothing come out. Running out of things is frustrating, but I’ve learned that I can have 2-3 back-ups instead of 10.  I don’t need to have 100 rolls of toilet paper on hand (which was a “rule” I had when I bought my house). I believe in buying spices, everyday toiletries, and things like that in bulk, but not everything.  I won’t even tell you how much butter, “you sho’ this aint butter”, and butter substitutes Omma-may has in her fridge and freezer. Paula Deen would be proud; and dead of clogged arteries. (or expired butter)

Omma-may is older and set in her ways. There’s no changing her. Even as she goes through “The Change”, it only gets worse.  I’m just mindful of my own behavior and keeping myself in check so that one day I won’t be splitting 2-ply down to 1-ply, cutting paper towels in half, or re-washing plastic (disposable) plates.  It might be hereditary (not that I’m related to this woman) because  Omma-may inherited her ways from her mother, Anny-Gray.  Anny-Gray would save EVERYTHING!  She loved nice things but she would “save” them for a special occasion–that would never come.  Even if it was a disposable item, she’d “save” it.  She could never tell us for who or for what though.  Maybe Omma-may is saving the “good” toilet paper in case President Obama comes by.  Maybe she thinks it’s like duct tape and would be good in an emergency.  Whatever it is, I’m not about to wipe my ass with any damn cardboard whilst there’s nice fluffy paper to be had!  We could die tomorrow and I don’t want to be worried about the coroner wondering why my hindparts are red. I don’t want my last thought to be “I should have used nicer paper”.  Who the hell wants to die with regrets?  It’s just not worth it to me. Just like “they” say you can’t take your money with you when you’re gone, I’m pretty sure you can’t take your toilet paper either!! Mr. Whipple BEEN dead! And we are still squeezing the hell out of his Charmin without a thought or a care. Life does indeed go on; enjoy the good stuff while you can!


About What Looks Like Crazie...

What looks like CRAZIE, is just me. A perfectly flawed circus of contradictions: misanthropic people person; brilliant underachiever; ambitious slacker; tender-hearted bitch; thoughtful mean girl; prudish freak; crazed sanity; bold insecurity; adorable hot mess.
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2 Responses to Toilet Paper Is Not An Investment, Boo

  1. My sister is Crazie says:

    Weren’t you the one that use to hoard toilet paper. You’d have an anxiety attack if there were less than 100 rolls in your house. You even knew when someone had come in and took some. So wth?

  2. Clearly u can’t or didn’t read. I mentioned all that. DUH!!!!

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