Cuz who in the HELL wants to think like a man? They’re weird. And I’d rather NOT be weird!!
Let me explain a little bit. Since I was in high school, my friends have often told me that I “think like a man”. I’m not sure what they mean by it. Is it because I tend to be more rational and logical, and less emotional when it comes to sex and matters of the heart? Or they could just think I’m batshit crazy.
They come to me when some man they’re interested in is doing some weird shit that they can’t figure out, and lo and behold, I usually know exactly what it means. When debating male/female relations, I often “side” with the males prompting my so-called friends to call me all kinds of traitor. It really gets ugly when one of my female friends calls me in an uproar about something her husband/boyfriend/stalker/jump-off has done and my response is “so?”.
For instance, one of my friends married a man who likes big bazooms (breasts). She’s rather flat in that area but he married her flapjack having ass anyway. She went on their computer and saw that he had been looking at pics of busty women and called me all upset. Her reasoning was that because I have big bazooms and I’m also the same zodiac sign as her husband, I might be able to make some sense of things. I could make sense of why he was looking at breasts, but no sense could be made of her reaction. He liked big tits before they met, so it stands to reason he’s going to like big tits for the rest of his life. Where is the shock and outrage coming from? All I could tell her was “Well he married you knowing you don’t have any boobs so he must not mind. I guess he just wants to be able to look at some big ones from time to time. Better on the internet than in person, right?”. She agreed. Crisis and divorce avoided.
The same friend also once called me hollerin about how her husband was downstairs watching basketball with his friends and it was driving her crazy. I kept asking “Where is he?”. She kept repeating “DOWNSTAIRS!”. Getting louder and louder like I was stupid or hard of hearing or something. She didn’t get it. If the mofo is DOWNSTAIRS, then he’s home. He’s behaving himself. He’s not out with other women. He’s not out spending money. He’s DOWNSTAIRS watching a basketball game with his friends. My advice to her? Order some pizzas or make some damn sandwiches for them and be thankful you know where his ass is and what he’s doing.
These little scenarios don’t make me feel so much like a weirdo as when “they” say something totally absurd that makes perfect sense to me. For instance, a male friend had cheated on his girlfriend and wanted me to talk to her to get her to talk to him again. His defense?? “I didn’t even KISS her!”. I’m ashamed to admit that made perfect sense to me. Sex without kissing hardly means a damn thing. She should realize that it didn’t mean anything and be glad he didn’t take the girl out for a DATE and didn’t kiss her. Needless to say his girlfriend hung up on me when I said these things to her, but still to this day, it makes sense to me. Of course I don’t condone cheating, but I was VERY young at the time and their whole relationship was stupid and I constantly told him he shouldn’t even have a girlfriend. So while I understood him, I DO know that what he did was wrong. Just a little bit lol. Yes I’m one of “those” women who can separate emotion from sexual acts. Honestly, I can. To me, sex can be intimate and loving or it can be like satisfying a basic need. The difference between a huge holiday meal at Granny’s with all of the family around eating our favorite foods OR grabbing a Happy Meal from the McDonald’s drive-thru on the way to an appointment because you’re starving and need something NOW! Yes cheating is technically wrong, but drive-thru sex shouldn’t be viewed the same way as a full-blown affair.
My latest “weirdo” moment came via the web and a guy I do not know. He’s a Facebook “friend” and we follow each other on Twitter because he has a dating/relationship website www.singleblackmale.org that I found interesting. So the other day, he comments (via Facebook and Twitter) “Red nail polish on women still makes me gag 75% of the time. But that’s down from 92%… so getting better”. Of all the foolishness!! But I wholeheartedly agree lol. I dunno what it is about red nail polish but it SCREAMS skanky jezebel assed harlot to me! Besides just looking nasty; almost diseased. I don’t know WHY I feel this way! God forbid it’s chipped and the harlot then also becomes a heroin addict in my mind. A former co-worker of mine (who happened to sit right next to me) ONLY wore red nail polish. I wanted to slap her upon meeting her. She turned out to be really cool but the red polish remained a constant. And it seemed she was CONSTANTLY doing things with her hands so that my eye was always drawn to that damned polish! It looked good on her, for what it was, and also caused me to face my own disgust and get a bottle of red nail polish. OPI “An Affair In Red Square” is slick, shiny, and sexy as HELL! But I’ve had that crap for about 2yrs and never worn it. I just can’t bring myself to put it on. Didn’t work out for Christmas and I said I’d do it for Valentine’s Day, but who am I fooling??
This might seem petty and insignificant, but it really struck a nerve with me that he would express one of my “quirks” that I’ve never shared with anyone on a topic that I had no idea that men even had an opinion about. I mean, I have a male friend that I consult when picking polish colors, but I know he really couldn’t care less. Come to think of it, he has NEVER EVER suggested red. Very interesting… So that leaves me wondering if some, all, or a lot of men think this way. And I also wonder why in the HELL is this yet another weird thing that I share with my boys?
I think Steve Harvey got it all wrong. Women should not think like men. One might argue that it would give us some insight and perhaps understanding of men; therefore, bringing the sexes closer together. That shit hasn’t worked out for me. All it means for me, is that I’m weird, I know they’re weird, and what they’re up to so I want no parts of it!! When you’re single and pushing 40, this is quite a dilemma. Men assume we are all stupid, or at least dumber than they are. They assume we are gullible and desperate as hell for some male attention, so they say shit that makes a lot of women giggle and blush. Me? I have to stop myself from turning Eddie Kane, Jr on their asses and letting them know “I can see through your jive ass like GLASS!”. Cuz I can. I don’t believe a damned thing they say because if I had a penis, I’d be saying the same shit and not meaning it. As long as I got the gushy, then I’d be good. I’d also have a clear conscience because I’d feel like the dizzy broad should have been smart enough to know what was up. Too often, women are NOT smart enough to know what’s up. Hmm… maybe that’s why Mr. Harvey wants us to think like men. OK, so I can almost agree with him a tiny bit and to a certain extent. (And even THAT’S painful because I find him to be a jive turkey, but I digress).
Women shouldn’t have to think like men, women just need to start thinking PERIOD! Or maybe men should try to think like us??? Nah I can’t even condone that lol. There are too many men out here with bitchmade mentalities for them to even try to start thinking like women. So what’s the solution? What’s going to have to happen to FINALLY resolve male/female issues? I haven’t a clue, and what would be the fun in THAT??