If The Bible Isn’t Required Reading, Neither Is This Blog

I don’t know how many disclaimers I have to put on this blog, but here I go again.  If you don’t like me or what I have to say, then please feel free to not come to this blog. It’s not easy to find, so to I don’t understand what the problem is. 

Reading is fundamental, but comprehension is essential.  So please do not take words that are in black & white for anyone in the world to read and twist them to fit your agenda.  If comprehension skills are indeed the issue, I cannot help you with that.  Just don’t come to me telling me your warped interpretations of what I have written. And for God’s sake, don’t try to tell me what I “meant” to say or what I should have said.  I am not writing to or for you.  My thoughts, feelings, and opinions are not open for anyone’s interpretation but my own. 

So, feel free to comment.  Just don’t come at me with some stupid shit because I’m not interested.  The Twittering, blog discussions, behind my back talking and confrontational rants do not change my mind. I just start to believe that you’re a shit starter or really cannot read.  Either way, it’s not a good look. 

Now! Let the hit dogs holler… 

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Could You Just Possibly Be A Shitty Mess?

Before we get started: I’m prepared for whatever, because I know some people just can’t handle the truth.  Let’s go!

What inspired this post is something I see on natural hair sites, Twitter, and everydamnwhere that really bothers me. And that is: women with natural hair who swear UP AND DOWN that everyone who grimaces or hands them a hot comb is “hating” on their natural hair because they are ignorant and blind to the beauty of what God has created! These women just KNOW that their kinks, curls, and coils are so FIERCE that people should stop in their tracks to praise them, not shake their heads and point them to the nearest Creamy Crack Emporium.  To these women I ask: could you just possibly be a shitty mess? Yes you! A mess! A shitty one at that.  It could happen yanno!

How do I know this? Because it has happened to me. Yes me! There have been times when I looked in the mirror and thought “damn my hair is fly than a MUTHA!”. I’d feel so overcome with fierceness, that pictures were definitely in order! After the first snap, and a second one just to be sure my eyes (and camera) weren’t playing tricks on me, I put the camera down and picked up a hat. Why? Because I looked like a damned fool.  Sometimes our mirrors (especially the ones in our bathrooms) lie to us.  They have us thinking we look good when we do NOT.  How do I know this? Because it has happened to me!  Many times I have primped in front of the bathroom mirror and strut my ass out of the house, just to pass a “good” mirror (usually in the car) or have a picture taken and see that I look utterly ridiculous. How could that gorgeous hair and flawlessly beat face I JUST saw in my bathroom mirror POSSIBLY have turned to the rat’s nest and chalky foolishness I see before me? It didn’t. It always looked like a shitty mess but my naked eye in my magical bathroom mirror didn’t pick up on it. 

I do not always look so good, and at times I look like a wildebeest.  I can accept this about myself.  Why can’t others??  For all the times that someone thinks we look like shit, 8 times out of 10, we do!!  There’s just no getting around those very scientific statistics.  I’m not saying that we should not have confidence in ourselves, or that people have a right to tell us that we look like pure hell, but we simply cannot get mad at the truth!  Even when I know damned well I am in full wildebeest mode, I do my thing.  I went out the other night with a shower cap on my head (I was deep conditioning), a denim applejack cap over that, a purple tank top, a white/brown South Pole hoodie, grey cropped yoga pants, and chestnut Uggs.  I knew I looked dreadful, but I needed cake THAT bad.  Then I had the nerve to PRANCE around the grocery store, smiling nodding and greeting people like I was in the running for Miss America. Why? Because WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?? I try not to! Most times I succeed in not giving a shit, but I’m only human so it does get to me sometimes.

Even when I think I look good and it turns out to be a hot lie, I don’t get too upset. Cuz I know at other times I be KILLIN ’em!  On a good day, I can shit on a lot of people who think they are doing the most.  At least in my mind I can lol.  And that’s all that matters.  If someone is rude enough to try to burst my bubble by letting me know I don’t look so hot, I can’t be mad at them.  That’s their opinion.  I certainly can’t say they’re hating or that they’re brainwashed by european standards of beauty and therefore cannot accept the fact that I embrace the natural hair that grows out of my head! Cuz we all know, God don’t make no junk!  Oh but He does! He made EVERYTHING, so junk would have to be included in that, right? F’d up ‘fros are included as well. I’m not saying that natural hair is junk, or that we shouldn’t love and embrace it, but we should know that it’s not always going to look great.  We should also know that everything is not for everybody; so it’s OK for people to dislike our hair. Should they keep their comments to themselves? Yes they most certainly should.  But how often do people do what they “should” vs. what they damn well please?  Almost never! So we’ve got to brush it off and move on.

And it’s not only naturals who feel like criticism was not created with them in mind, a lot of people have this attitude.  Most people know how I feel about this “hating” epidemic–I aint with it.  It seems like people use “hating/haters” as an excuse not to accept any personal responsibility for anything they do.  Whoever dares to disagree or dislike something, GOTS to be a hater.  It’s not that serious, boo!  PSA: If someone (or even everybody) dislikes your new CD, new movie, new hairstyle, new outfit, new boyfriend, etc; they’re not hating.  They just don’t like it; and that’s fine.  It’s not going to make or break you! Dust your ass off and come at ’em with something new.  Something EPIC! If they don’t like that either, then either say “fuck ’em” or find something else to do that might be more in your skill set. The choice is yours.

What we DON’T DO is declare that we now have haters and act like America’s most hated.  Now Jesus? He had some haters! They crucified Him and He aint whinin about that. He rose up. Dusted himself off and vowed to come back bigger and deffer than ever before. He’s got the whole WORLD waiting on Him! Now that’s GRAND! So what gives your average ass the right to whine about some imaginary haters?

Even people who wholeheartedly believe in haters say “haters are gonna hate” like it’s inevitable.  So what can the hated really do about it? Not a damn thing.  Except ignore these figments of the imagination and not give a shit what they think, say, or do.  Not giving a shit is an art form; but once mastered, it provides a freedom the likes of which are unmatched by any other feeling in the WORLD! I challenge everyone to try it. Who cares what people are saying about you? Like my Granny used to say “They talked about Jesus!”. And I know none of you are self-righteous enough to think you’re above enduring anything Jesus endured.

I’m about to throw out another overused catch phrase: DO YOU! If everybody minded their own business, there wouldn’t be a need to “hate” or imagine we have haters.  I’ll holla!

Posted in On My Nerves, Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Love and Fear. The Only True Emotions

Gotta love Twitter!! Aside from the endless, shameless self-promoting and utter foolishness that goes on, there’s treasure to be found.  Lots of good information and great debates that require one to “be clever” in 140 characters or less. Yesterday, the conversation/debate among a few people I follow was about love. The most amazing and confusing necessity of life. We need air, water, and food–and we understand why.  We need love but that’s a mind-boggling concept; and I challenge anyone to try to create a true definition of love.

Once again, @berealblack4me was going in and got me thinking; and blogging.  I don’t remember the exact conversation, but a back and forth between @berealblack4me and a follower (about the definition of hate) caused me to jump in with: there are only two true emotions–love and fear.  I read that somewhere a long time ago and have firmly believed it ever since; and it has proven to be true.  Every emotion that we experience as human beings stems from either love or fear.  They were discussing hate; and hate comes from fear.  I don’t believe it is the opposite of love; nor do I believe that love turns to hate.  If a person so-called hates their boss–it stems from some sort of fear.  Either of losing their job or of losing control/power.  When people proclaim to hate someone they once loved, the hate doesn’t come from having loved them, it comes from the fear they had of losing them, fear of their emotions and of losing power/control. Possibly even  fear of future love. Hate is pretty much a waste and is ego-driven, in my opinion.

When we are jealous, that’s fear. Jealousy in a relationship is fear of losing the person we love.  Jealousy of someone else’s material possessions is fear of being inferior or never achieving those same things.  Sadness stems from fear.  Happiness from love. And so on. People who love themselves are open to experience love and usually live great lives. Love of self fosters trust (in self) so they are not afraid to take risks and attempt to do great things.  Even if they fail, the confidence they have from loving themselves will set them on their feet and on to the next big thing.  A person without love of self lives in fear of everything.  All of the negative things that happen to them stem from that fear that emerges in the absence of love. Self-love develops at an early age and is fostered by our environment more so than genetics; although I believe that even coming from bad beginnings, some people are just going to be happy and loving no matter what. Like any other love, self-love is fluid and ever-changing and can grow stronger or be destroyed over time.  Perpetuating the stereotype of Psych majors, I take it all back to childhood.

My two pals were back at it early this morning (I was still up because I never got to sleep last night) and one brought up the fact that our first emotional bond is with our moms. That got me thinking, yet again.  I’m currently taking two Psychology courses and of course we have discussed Freud and Psychoanalytical Psychology.  The first developmental stage in Freud’s theory is “trust vs. mistrust”.  Basically, as infants our primary caregiver teaches us to trust or to mistrust based on their attention to our basic needs.  We need someone to do everything for us in infancy. All of our physical needs are met by someone else.  When they fall short and/or are neglectful, we learn to mistrust.  If the people we depend on the most leave us to cry and be hungry, wet, cold or uncomfortable, that’s not setting a good tone for future relationships. 

I’ve seen this time and time again with children and their parents–especially mothers.  We all know that clingy baby who won’t let their mother go and screams their head off any time their mother is away from them.  I see the mothers pretend to be annoyed but secretly love it thinking that their child is so in love with them and that they’re the center of that kid’s universe.  They’re partially right.  They are the center of their child’s universe and their child loves them, but the clingy behavior doesn’t come from the love.  It comes from mistrust (fear). Not to say that these mothers are neglectful, but somewhere along the line, that child has learned to be mistrustful. Maybe the mom sneaks out when leaving the child with a sitter; pretending to go into another room or promising to be “right back”.  That little (necessary) deception creates mistrust in a child.  So they are going to watch their mother like a hawk and be clingy.

I see it with children in my family.  Any time one of my cousins comes to my house with her mother, she won’t leave her side. That’s because her mom has dropped her off with us before; saying and doing anything she can to be able to get out of the house without a scene. Not that she’s a bad or neglectful mother, but when she’s trying to get to work on time, the last thing she needs is to spend 45min holding a crying baby.  If I go pick the child up and bring her home, she’s OK; but there’s something about her mother leaving her that causes anxiety and stress. Even so, I’d say that this child has successfully navigated the “trust vs mistrust” stage because she knows her needs are going to be met and she trusts people. She just has a bit of separation anxiety. The fact that she’s batshit crazy is another post for another day lol. I love my baby; although I experience great FEAR when her mom’s number is on my caller id lol.

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What’s Love Got To Do With It?

How much are our ideas and beliefs about love rooted in what we feel vs. what we think love is supposed to be?  I think that relations between men and women (especially black men and women) are in the shitter right now because people have these idealistic, unrealistic perceptions of love that they get from society, church, and the media (always got to blame the media somehow lol). 

From a young age we are trained that love is:  one man and one woman coming together and forsaking all others to build a life and a family together. The End.  This one man and his one woman should preferably be all red hearts and song birds, making googly eyes at each other.  They should also fall into stereotypical caricatures of people in love: the man is the money person who is clueless about relationships and what his woman wants/needs; and the woman is the emotional wreck of a guiding force whose job is to make the man feel guilty about his cluelessness, confuse him, then blame him for his confusion.  Men are seen as constantly fighting their philandering urges and submitting to the “ball and chain” because it’s “cheaper to keep her” and they know they need someone to do their laundry and grow old and have sex with. While women are usually blindly in love, suspicious, controlling and using sex as a form of reward and punishment.

We get so caught up in these “roles” that human nature and feelings hardly ever come into play.  I catch a lot of flack from people when I say that I don’t believe that human beings are genetically designed to “mate for life”.  Monogamy is possible and can be a beautiful thing, but a person has to be ready for it. Too often, we are rushed by societal standards and biological clocks to do things we are not ready for.  That being said: if you tell the (monogamy) lie, then you have to live the lie.  While I may not believe monogamy is right (or possible) at every stage of a person’s life, I do not condone cheating.  Cheating is more than a lie, it’s theft because a cheater robs their partner of their right to choose. They also rob their partner of their rose-colored view of this thing called love.

Far too often, people go into relationships with unrealistic expectations.  Women expect knights in shining armor who will protect and provide for them while, of course, forsaking all others.  Men expect a woman to be a care-taker, stay beautiful/sexy and to give them sex on a regular basis. But the woman shouldn’t be too into the sex part because men feel like sex should be their idea and they should have to “convince” the woman to participate.  Otherwise, what would married men bitch about? Although everyone goes into relationships with certain expectations, they often aren’t verbalized and that lack of communication leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and break-ups.  Even when expectations are known, people tend to promise things that they know they cannot deliver just to get “in”.  Once “in”, disappointments and resentments start building when expectations aren’t met; and the relationship ends.

We get so caught up in the roles we think we are supposed to play, that we lose sight of who we are, what we want in life, and what we want from a partner.  Love is fluid and ever-changing; yet we expect our partners to love us the same every single day, forever.  That’s not a reasonable expectation because human beings go through different emotions and moods that affect their feelings and behaviors.  We don’t allow for those changes in relationships.  People in relationships aren’t allowed to be moody or want their own space or even to dislike their partner for a day or so. They certainly aren’t allowed to love or lust anyone besides their partner–whether they act on it or not. That’s all a part of human nature and relationships fail because we base them on dictated roles instead of our nature.

I see a lot of people “play acting” in their relationships and I shake my head.  The female is playing the role of the nurturer.  She cooks and fawns over her man, deferring to him in every way–except when it comes to how that relationship is being run. Women will play the submissive role except when it comes to nagging the hell out of a man to move to the “next step”.  They want a commitment, then a ring, then a house, then a baby–sometimes in that order but it doesn’t matter as long as they get what they want at the time. Men will give in and step up to the plate even when his heart isn’t really in it. But society tells him that he should “settle down” and be a provider. So he signs up for something he’s not ready for and soon feels the pressure and plots his escape.  Escape can come in many forms:  cheating, drinking (or some other addiction/distraction), mentally checking out, or actually leaving. Who is to “blame” when that happens? The woman for pushing a man into what she wants (or what she thinks she’s supposed to want)? Or the man for agreeing to do things he knows he’s not ready for?

They say: women use sex to get love; and men use love to get sex.  I have to somewhat agree. Women tend to suppress our sexual selves because society says we are not supposed to like it, want it, or do it unless we are in love and the man that we are in love with asks us to. So women give sex to get what they think is love.  Men will pretend to love a woman so that they can get sex.  Everyone is happy living the charade until it doesn’t work anymore. Too much importance is placed on sex itself.  It’s seen as the ultimate taboo or the ultimate expression of love; when really it’s not much of a big deal.  The heart is not a required organ; and love isn’t a requirement either. Nor is any other emotion.  Sex is a physical act that can take place both inside and outside of a loving relationship.  Given the context, it can mean different things. Men understand that.  Most women do not.

Through nature and “nurture”, men have a need to spread their seed.  They just do. They’re designed that way (I guess) as a means of assuring that mankind will continue on.  Some men feel that it is their personal responsibility to accept this mission and to single-handedly ensure that the Earth will remain populated. They’re assholes, I’m not talking about them.  I’m talking about the average guy who has a basic, biological urge to sleep with different women. They’re fascinated by new “stuff” and remain in pursuit of it for most of their lives.  It’s about the challenge. Women just don’t get that. They think that sex should be this sacred thing between a man and woman in love; and that if a man truly loves her, he will not want to have sex with anyone else.  That’s where they mess up.  A man can love a woman and want to be with her forever and still want to stick his penis in other women; he can even act on it and still love his woman.  Men can put sex into categories of “making love” and “fucking”.  It really does make sense in a guy’s mind when he tells his wife “I make love to you, I was just fucking her”.  At this point, while I understand what he’s saying, he’s dead wrong because he has cheated; therefore, becoming a liar and a thief. 

Ideally, what should happen is that a man and woman go into a relationship with certain understandings about each other.  If the love is real, they will survive just about anything.  If a man is not ready to be monogamous, but really digs this one particular chick and wants to be with her, that should be allowed. Go ahead and gasp. Yes I believe in open relationships.  They can be highly successful and might be necessary depending on the people and the situation.  Why should a stable reasonable man not marry the woman he loves and start a family just because he might want to have sex with other women on occasion? Some people think he should wait until the lusting is out of his system, and perhaps he should. But what if he doesn’t want to? What if he’s ready for marriage and family now? Why could this man not let the woman he loves know how he feels about her and what his intentions are concerning other women? Then it would be up to her to accept this or move on. In my opinion, this is better than two people in love NOT being together; or being together with one of them cheating. Deception is never good.

I’m not saying married men should have free license to hump anyone they want, whenever they want. As with everything (especially the good stuff), self-control and moderation are expected. But sometimes in life, shit happens.  People have emotions and needs that their partner may not be able to fulfill at a particular time.  Remember, we are always evolving and changing.  We go through phases and certainly there are phases of falling in and out of love with our partner. Should a marriage break up because the husband (or wife) is in an “out of love” phase and/or is sexually attracted to someone else? I say no. As long as everyone is open and honest and precautions are taken; open relationships are not always a bad thing. But they’re not for everybody.

I know a few couples who are in open marriages.  I know two of these couples fairly well.  Well enough that I have let my inquisitive nature take over on several occasions to ask them many, many questions.  The thing about both of these couples is that they seem more secure and more sure of their marriages than most other couples I know in traditional relationships.  They’re both so sickeningly lovey-dovey that it’s sometimes hard to stomach. Their relationships seem solid; nobody seems to be going anywhere any time soon; but they have sexual relationships outside of their marriage. Imagine that! One thing I notice about these couples is their communication is open and direct.  Many people proclaim to be their partner’s best friend, but how many husbands can tell their wife the absolute truth about every aspect of his life and private thoughts? Not many.  If the average husband came home and told his wife that he met some woman and felt a certain chemistry with her, his wife would either kick his ass, kick him out, have an emotional breakdown; or all three.  Most women cannot handle the truth.  So the result is another family broken or severely fractured over a fleeting attraction to a woman who does not matter in any way. Why does it have to be that way?

I know most people reading this are probably giving me all kinds of side eyes at this point, and I’m used to it.  I am not saying that open marriage is right for everybody; but I AM saying that marriage, in general, isn’t right for some people at all; but they do it anyway. We need to get an open dialogue going between men and women. The most important thing is, we need to listen to each other and really hear what’s being said.  We each need to be honest and responsible and know whether or not we can live up to our potential partner’s expectations.  At that point, we have to commit to giving them what they want or walk away. It’s the only fair to do.

We also need to take ego out of the equation. Sometimes what a person does, thinks or feels really has nothing to do with their partner; but it’s our tendency to make everything about us.  Everything is not for everybody, but people should discuss (at length) what it is they want and expect; and devise a plan so that both parties’ needs are met.  That plan does not have to follow societal rules for a “perfect marriage”; mostly because there’s no such thing.  Of course there will always be “rules” to the game, but we can make our own rules to meet individual needs and be very happy. 

Love is indeed a complicated concept which is very difficult to execute successfully.  On top of that, we tend to make things more difficult than they have to be.  I’m not advocating relationships and marriage be a free for all with everyone doing whatever they want.  I just think we are getting it “wrong” and need to step back and re-evaluate our definitions of love, marriage, commitment, and relationships.  We are a MESS right now: Divorce rates are SKY HIGH! Women are out here acting the damn fool out of desperation to find and/or “keep” a man.  Men are engaging in irresponsible and very dangerous behavior because they can’t tell the truth and be themselves.  So I’m just proposing an alternative to what we’ve been doing all along that has gotten us here-in hell.  Stop the insanity of doing the same things yet expecting different results.  If nothing else, I hope that people start to communicate more effectively so we can finally start to get this thing right!

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Do Better Than a Damn Dog

“Dogs can give birth 10 at a time”.  That’s my typical response/reaction when someone expresses their “right” to respect and admiration simply because they have reproduced.  Bullshit.  While the creation of life is indeed a miracle, it’s what’s done with that life after it’s created that garners kudos.  Far too often, the creators of life fall way short of their obligations to the life they’ve created. 

Because I am a reality show addict and admirer of all things bitchy, I am an avid fan of Judge Judy.  I record her show and watch it every single day.  Late last night/early this morning, I was getting my Judy fix, and was thoroughly disgusted by one of the litigants on the show.  This sad sack of shit  (in a very detached manner) talked about her boyfriend beating her 5yr old child over the course of several weeks.  The abuse resulted in the child being admitted to the emergency room with a lacerated scrotum and his testicles hanging out. The “mother” claimed she did not know anything about the abuse until that incident.  I had MANY questions which Judge Judy asked, as I knew she would.  Unfortunately, and not surprisingly, none of the answers were even close to being satisfactory. Nor did they make any sense.

I don’t know how a woman can live in the same house where her child is being beaten on a daily basis, yet not know a thing.  I don’t know how a “mother” has not fostered a relationship with her child so that the child would tell her any and everything that happens to him.  I also don’t know how a woman can move her three children into a house with a man who has been beating her ass for over a year, has pulled guns on her friends, and (in her words) “acts a fool”.  How would she even begin to think that would be a good home environment for her children?  Especially given the fact that the children never met this “man” until they moved into his home. Then the idiot leaves her 5yr old “developmentally delayed” son home alone all day with her unemployed psychopath of a boyfriend.  Good job “mom”!

The case before Judge Judy was not so much about the child abuse, but my girl Judy was not about to let this bitch gloss over the horrors her children suffered as a result of her own selfishness and stupidity.  Some women will do ANYTHING, including risk their children’s lives, to have a man. Any piece of a trifling ass good for nothing man is better than none to them.  I’m child-free and I don’t want chaos and violence for myself, so I know I wouldn’t allow it around my children.  Sometimes I wonder about women like this idiot litigant. I wonder why they even had children in the first place if they weren’t going to make that child’s well-being their number one priority in life.  I know that parents must have lives and identities outside of their children, but considering children don’t ask to be born, they must come first. 

The very first, and most important, decision a parent makes for their child is who the co-parent will be.  These days, people aren’t giving that much thought.  Whoever they happen to be fucking at the moment may or may not end up as the father or mother of their child.  Tune in to the Maury Povich Show on any given weekday and the topic is likely to be “paternity test results”.  Usually, some woman comes on the show trying to prove to a man that he is the father of her child.  Sometimes, the woman brings more than one man because she has no idea who the child’s father is.  Occasionally, two or more women bring the same man to prove that he is the father of multiple children.  This happened yesterday.  Two women brought the same man on the show claiming he was the father of their sons.  The man vehemently denied it stating that he ONLY has 27 children, not 29! Yes! TWENTY-SEVEN CHILDREN! And he looked to be in his mid- to late-thirties.  It turns out he was only the father of one of the children, so he is now aware of 28 children that he has fathered.  But I bet he doesn’t PARENT any of them.  There’s no way.  He never said how many women were involved, but more than two “baby mamas” is too many.  There’s no way he can be involved in his children’s lives on a regular basis.  The sheer number and logistics prevent that (they are spread out over several states–something he boasted about).  There’s also no way this man can provide financially for all of these children.  From the looks of his raggedy ass, he’s nowhere near wealthy.

As trifling as this man is, I wonder also about the women.  At some point, a woman has to say to herself:  he has too many children by too many women to be any good to me, let alone my child.  I wouldn’t even have dinner with a man who is clearly irresponsible as hell, let alone sleep with him.  So breeding with him is DEFINITELY not an option! Having baby #28 for a man who won’t even acknowledge your child is setting your child up for a life of disappoint and probable failure.  They will never have the daddy they deserve and the mom should take partial blame in that.  In fact, she should shoulder most of the blame because regardless of “it takes two to tango”, women know that reproduction and child-rearing largely falls on us.  We are in charge of our own bodies and have final decision when it comes to bringing a child into this world.  So why are so many of us falling for the okey doke? Why are women not considering a man’s history and track record with his other children before getting pregnant?  Why are they not getting to know these men BEFORE reproducing with them? I haven’t a clue, but the children are suffering for it. 

Then we have women who have a baby under less than ideal circumstances.  They suffer and struggle and their child suffers and struggles along with them.  They may have “baby daddy” drama, or no baby daddy around at all. Or they may be struggling financially to provide for their child.  What do (too) many of these women do? Go out and have yet another child to put themselves further into the hole.  How smart is that? How is that looking out for the well-being of your child(ren)?  I don’t have children because I haven’t met anyone I’d want to co-parent with, I’m not ready for children, and I could not provide for a child the way I’d want to. Why is that concept so hard to grasp? I’ve heard it all: “there is no perfect time”, “just do it and things will fall into place”, and “you think you’re too good to have kids by a man who already has kids”.  The last statement was made by a woman pregnant with (his) baby #9 and about to be “baby mama” #8.  Yeah, I do think I’m too good for that bullshit.  More than that, I think my child deserves better than that. So, no thanks!

Parenting, especially the mothering role, is a sore subject for me.  At 37, I thought I’d have a gang of kids by now.  I was that girl in middle and high school who spent her weekends babysitting (usually for free) because I love kids. I’ve had a baby on my hip since I was 12yrs old and loved every minute of it (well almost). During my early 20s, most of my close friends had kids and I spent many a weekend at Chuck E Cheese and that was fine with me.  As I watched some of the things my friends and relatives went through with their children, and their co-parent, I developed a fear of sorts.  I actually became, and still am, scared to be a mother.  I don’t want to fuck it up.  I know I can’t be “perfect” at it, but I at least want to do the very best I can and give my kid a shot at a happy, well-adjusted life.  At this point, my life is FULL of children whom I love dearly, but I’m so daggone jaded and worn out, I don’t even think I want children of my own. That could also be the fear talking, but I doubt it lol.

A lot of the fear comes from things I’ve seen around me, my studies in Psychology, and my relationship with my own mother.  We are not close. Not at all.  That used to bother me  A LOT, but I’ve had to make peace with it because it is never going to change. She’s never going to change, she’s never going to see my side of things, she’s never going to acknowledge her wrong-doing; and because of that, (and probably in retaliation) I’ve done horrible things to her that cannot be undone.  She says she’s the way she is because of me and my actions. Well what came first, the chicken or the egg? I’ve never felt that closeness with my mother as I’ve always been a “daddy’s girl”; and I think that’s where our problems started. While Daddy held a traditional role in our family as provider, he was also primary care-giver most times because of his work schedule.  Daddy was home in the mornings to put me on the bus, and he was home when I got off the bus in the afternoons. It would be just the two of us for hours until my mother and younger sister got home from work and daycare.  Spending so much time with one parent is going to create a stronger bond.  I think I began to resent her because we weren’t “buddy-buddy” like other girls and their mothers; and she resented me for (seemingly) favoring Daddy and also for occupying much of his time and attention. My sister and I could do no wrong in Daddy’s eyes, which understandably pissed my mother off. 

My mom is a 4’10” firecracker who can be very intimidating at times.  Daddy says she has “little man complex” and feels the need to be loud and be heard because she’s so short.  That might be true, but I also see her vulnerable side that all the yelling & bravado in the world can’t mask.  Like me, she tries her best to hide that vulnerability; and like me, nobody can know or really understand her because of it. She is truly the most giving woman I’ve ever met in my life; but because people take advantage of that, the kindness comes with an edge.  To most people, it’s worth it to put up with her shit because they know she’s a good person to have on your side.  And she is a great person to have on your side; but when she’s not, life can be unpleasant.

When I’m honest with myself, I must say that I’m very much like my mother.  I’m proud to have some of her qualities; but others make me want to cut myself with sharp objects.  We can both be the pettiest people on the face of the earth because we HAVE to be right about everything and have to have the last word.  It’s funny (and confusing) to be so much like someone yet feel like you really don’t know them; and vice versa.  Communication is shitty between us and that is the root of the problem.  I feel she doesn’t listen, and she feels like I’m always making her out to be the bad guy. Without communication, a relationship is not possible.  At this point, I’d be happy to find a way to PEACEFULLY co-exist in our new roles as “parent and adult child”.  Again, without communication I don’t see it happening; but a girl can hope.  Or move 900+ miles away (again). I’d like to tackle this issue head on, but “it takes two to tango” and I’m way too tired and focused on other things to fight this thing out knowing all of the opposition I will face. At this point, nobody and both of us are to blame; but placing blame won’t resolve anything. We have both been wronged and done wrong. That’s irrelavant now. I love her. She loves me. We need to stay out of each other’s way and for now that will be enough.

So given my own issues and experiences, it really bothers me when I see parents neglecting their children and taking them for granted.  There are a few people around me I’d like to shake, or actually beat, because of the way they treat their kids.  It’s a privilege to be a parent, not a right.  I’d love it if every baby born could be implanted with a birth control device that could only be removed to allow reproduction when the person has taken parenting classes and proven to be responsible adult. I know that’s not at all possible, legal, or ethical; but it would be nice.  For now, I will hope that every baby born is loved, wanted, nurtured, and encouraged to be the best person they could possibly be; by BOTH parents and an extended network of relatives and mentors.

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I’m Full of It!

Sarcasm, that is.  I like to talk my shit.  Sometimes people don’t get it, and that’s OK. I’m going to do it anyway.  Sometimes people don’t like it, and again, that’s OK. We don’t have to talk. I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone’s feelings but sometimes there are casualties of my sharp tongue.  To that I say: get over it.  Develop a thicker skin; talk to me about it like an adult; or ignore me.  There are several people who I wish would just ignore me but I could never be so lucky.

I created this blog as a way to vent, rant, talk about things of interest to ME! I didn’t create it to appease or appeal to anyone else.  If people like it, then fine.  If they don’t, I’m not holding anyone hostage.  Everything said here represents my thoughts, feelings, and opinions and there is no changing that.  Everyone I have called by name, I have asked their permission first and tried to quote them as accurately as possible.  If I refer to someone and they happen to recognize themselves in my writing and don’t like what I had to say, then oh well.  I have not, and will not ever be malicious here.  I will tell the truth about people, places, and things as I see it.  If our truths happen to differ, start your own blog and talk your own shit. 

There are certain people who I am hesitant to even mention, here or anywhere else, because they get so bent out of shape if the remarks are anything less than complimentary and praising.  But I speak what’s on my mind and I won’t censor myself to spare the imaginary feelings of someone who can’t take a joke or wants to be a sour puss.  The only suggestion I have for such people is: DON’T READ MY BLOG! You don’t even have to talk to me if you don’t want to. I’m OK with that because rather than constantly bickering with someone and trying to prove myself to them, I’d rather just not deal.

Life is too short and I’ve been bogged down with enough pettiness to last a lifetime. I’m done with that.  Petty bickering? I throw that shit away.  I have enough stress just dealing with shit in my own head and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  I don’t need side distractions.  I’d love to be able to get along with everyone.  There are some people who I would love a better, closer, stronger relationship with; but if it doesn’t happen I’ve got to still be myself and keep it moving.

So like it or love it, these are my thoughts.  Take them or leave them.  The same goes for me.  Either way, I’m fine.

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Hating is NOT a Disease!

It’s not an epidemic. In fact, it doesn’t exist. So let’s work on deading this whole idea of “hating” and “haters” because it’s getting out of hand.

Any time there’s a difference of opinion, people want to automatically call “hating” as the cause of it.  Did it ever occur to some of these people INSISTING that everyone is hating on them that everything is not for everybody? Have they ever considered that they just might be the wackest person EVER? No, because that would mean taking a look at themselves to see what it is they’re doing wrong. They might actually have to change some shit about themselves and accept that they’re not as great as they think they are. Who wants to do that?? It’s easier just to say that everybody is hating on them. Why is it that people who are doing the very most at the very least are the only muthafuckas with so many “haters?”. It’s because deep down under all of that posturing, they know they aint shit.

The realest thing I’ve read on Twitter was from @berealblack4me; and I quote: HATERS ARE SIMPLY FIGMENTS OF YOUR INSECURITIES #GO DEEPER.

If that aint the truth!! There ARE NO HATERS! There are simply people who disagree with you and/or don’t like you or what you’re doing.  That has nothing to do with hate and everything to do with them having their own opinion and being entitled to it. I don’t know when the right to having and expressing an opinion was revoked, but clearly it has been because nobody can say ANYTHING these days without being labeled a “hater”.

I remember growing up in the 80s, whenever someone didn’t like somebody or something, they were “jealous”.  I’d always wonder “jealous of what?”. If I think that your outfit is ugly, then what am I jealous of? I don’t want to wear that shit. I don’t want to look like you. So how is that called jealousy?  Then in the 90s, some genius upgraded “jealousy” to “hating”; and the fuckery began! “Hate” gave free license to every fucked up, wack, tacky, trifling, ignorant, do nothing type of fool to keep on being mediocre and sucking at life because anyone who called them on their bullshit was most definitely a HATER! Now look at us.  It’s “cool” not to know who your baby daddy is because you can go on Maury and wave to your haters who are hatin because you get so much sex and you’re on TV with an all-expenses paid trip to Connecticut!  It’s cool to walk around looking like an ass clown/clownola because anyone who doesn’t like your underwear showing or your Skittles hairstyle and face tatts is a “hater”. Teachers can’t make students learn anything or behave because when they give homework or reprimands, they’re “haters”. The police see you rollin, and guess what? They hatin! Nevermind the fact that you have expired tags, a revoked license, and warrants, the Po-Po STAY hatin on you. Ironically, they don’t hate on other people who keep their paperwork in order, just the ones who don’t; but they’re still some hatin asses.

Hating and haters have become excuses for people to slack off and do whatever it is they want to do. Nobody wants to be held responsible for their actions anymore so it’s convenient to go ahead and blame everything on haters.  Hating has also replaced the ability to engage in a healthy debate and present facts and data to support one’s point of view.  As soon as someone says something disagreeable, they’re hating. Damn their right to an opinion, they’ve GOT to be haters because they don’t believe what you believe. It’s all so stupid and ignorant.  Hating and hate has stunted our growth in so many ways! Forget about real hate that eats a person from the inside out; we all know how dangerous that can be.  But nobody looks at this hating “epidemic” as people like to call it.

I, for one, am really sick of it. It’s tiring and wearing on the nerves. Ironically, it’s usually the people doing the so-called hating that most often accuse others of hating.  So I consider the source in most of these instances because ignorant people LOVE “hate”.  It provides them with an easy out whenever they feel uncomfortable or inferior. Trying to ask them in-depth questions to encourage them to elaborate and intelligently express their point of view is often met with opposition.  Then inevitably, the person trying to coax some semblance of reasonable intelligence out of them is labeled a “hater” too.  It’s a no-win situation.

Once again, the internet has really opened my eyes to just how dreadful people are in general.  I have yet to encounter a reasonable discussion/debate on any forum where some idiot didn’t call someone else a hater.  Whether it be another person engaging in the discussion or the subject(s) of the discussion.  SOMEBODY has to be hatin if everything is not going this person’s way.  I didn’t know that “hate” was so widespread because I don’t know many people who use the term, and when they do, it’s in a joking manner.  Hell, I’ve even jokingly called people “haters” before; but when I get right down to it, there’s nothing funny about it. It’s ridiculous.  “Let your haters be your congratulators”. “Don’t hate the player, hate the game”.  “Don’t hate what you can’t imitate”. It’s rare that these phrases are ever uttered by someone who is winning at anything. 

Recently on Twitter, a “famous” baby mama tweeted about her brand new car; then days later tweeted that someone had keyed the hell out of her car while she was at the store.  IMMEDIATELY, she and her “fans” cried “HATERS!”.  No, my dear, they’re called vandals. I get what they’re saying–they believe that the vandal keyed the car out of jealousy and “hate” because it’s nice and perhaps they can’t afford one. Perhaps. Or maybe they just don’t like her ass? It could be that they just had nothing else better to do or that they are mentally ill and like to vandalize shit.  Who knows and who cares?! 

Again on Twitter, author Terry McMillan made some remarks about Willow and Jaden Smith (children of Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith) and disagreed with them being in show business at their young ages.  All of a sudden, Ms. McMillan is a “hater” because she voiced her opinion as she has every given right to do. I don’t understand what she could be “hating” on though. She has her own money and her own fans.  She is not in direct competition with anyone in the Smith family so it’s not like any of them are stealing her shine or blocking her ability to “get money”. So why would she hate? Nobody could tell me the answer to that. All they could do was criticize her writing and her personal life because of a failed marriage to a man who turned out to be homosexual.  Prexactly WHAT does that have to do with her opinion about the Smiths?

I get so tired of it all. I really do. I think that debate should be taught in schools so that people know how to intelligently participate in an argument; supporting their views with facts and reliable data.  Allowing “hate” to continue to be used as an excuse to be mediocre isn’t reasonable or helpful to our community.  Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight.

Let me just say right now:  I don’t give a damn who agrees or disagrees with what I’ve said.  This is MY opinion and MY blog.  Everyone is welcome to express their own opinion here. I’m just letting you know now that trying to bait me into some tiresome back and forth about this subject will be a waste of your time.  This is a “hater-free” zone; meaning you can debate, disagree, and argue if you want but you WILL be respectful and you will NOT throw the h-word around. Now hate on that!

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